I! HAVE! RETURNED!

Computer ordered online, attempt 1 - failed, no longer in stock.  Was told this useful bit of information two weeks after the order was placed.  Money refunded.

Computer ordered online, attempt 2 - failed, shipment lost in transit, refund pending.  According to Mr. Internet, this computer is stranded in Texas, possibly in an internment camp.  I blame Trump.  Refund pending.

Computer ordered online, attempt 3 - success!  It only took...until now!  to get this tiny little itty bitty computer no bigger than a National Geographic magazine with bupkis for storage, that dragooned me into creating a Microsoft/Bing account that I did not want, and shows me plaintive little messages from 'Cortana' who is apparently dying to assist me, and provide me with a customized computing experience by creating a vocal profile of my every utterance, nuance of inflection, regionalism and FUCK OFF CORTANA.  Cortana has been turned off, as have her 'ears' although I have sincere doubts that what I've done actually did anything at all.  Thanks, George Orwell. 

The first thing I did before I even turned the thing on for the first time was stick a piece of tape over the microphone and camera. I won't Skype and you can't make me. 

The whole pre-set raison d'etre for my little computer is to engage me with my fellow humans in any way possible, whether I like it or not.  I've spent a couple of hours opting out of various things, uninstalling others, changing settings, and to be honest I think all I'm really doing is whistling Dixie.  First you have the manufacturers' pre-sets, then Microsofts, then Google Chrome.  Yes I chose this and yes I'm bitching about it.  I get to bitch.  They let me. So there.